I m definitely at a strangest juncture in my life. So strange that I feel like a marsh mellow chewed by a million dogs. Huskies to be exact. Chewed...*shudder* Alright, the point for this post is of cause to not only coach myself out of some vulnerable feelings, but maybe you too might have some vulnerability going on and you might need some solace. Hope this post offers some peace to you.
Having been on the road to recovery from about 8 to 9 years now, I am not stranger to neurosis and psychosis. I grasped like a true hungry ghost. I was the hormonal bulldog that humped anything and everything just to get some satisfaction. No...honey...I mean it in metaphoric terms. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Say if I love nuggets...which I do (OH YES...YES...YES MY PRECIOUS...OHOHOHO...oh sorry...back to the post) As i was typing... other than whispering and drooling over it. I would miraculously have the tenacity to crash through any obstacle that was in my way to MacDonalds. Yet somehow, I will deflate like a fart balloon when it comes to obstacles that I had in my life. It was an endless hamster wheel all to stuff my pain with greasy juiciness.
But of course it ended up on my ass...and the pain did not go away...you get the idea. Picture that I was doing it to all areas of my life. Picture how needy and desperate I was just to get you to love me and hold me for a while, just for some solace. Imagine me begging for job, because I desperately needed help. Not attractive...
Part my recovery was to study miracles from A Course in Miracles. Here is a cute line that describes miracles "Miracles are natural. When they do not occur something has gone wrong." and another line that says "Miracles are habits, and should be involuntary. They should not be under conscious control. Consciously selected miracles can be misguided" Lovely lines...I m dumped that the idea that it could be true right after reading it.
I am sure I don't have to define miracles for you. You know it in your bones what it really is. I knew it too and desperately wanted it. But I could not understand the two lines. Me...not putting effort into finding nuggets? How on earth would it appear? How on earth am I gonna heal my damn pain.
If you didn't know the weakest parts of my life that always gets to me. It is actually my career and relationships. I sustain battle wounds that would make Hercules pee in his pants. Okay...it wasn't that bad...but it hurt like hell okay! I approached these like how I approached nuggets...building my little kingdom with every scrap that I can find and hissing at any person who would take my goodies away from me. I fought for many things. I entered everything with my infamous Xena Battle Cry. However I somehow ended up feeling very alone, and the scrap castle that build looked like crap anyway.
In my madness and fatigue, I just let everything go. I dropped my scrap castle and just laid on my floor. And I unconsciously fumbled for to play a podcast that I bought from the net. It was by my idol the lovely Martha Beck. It's called the The Technology of Magic, I highly recommend it! MMHMMM!!
In it, an anthropologist told Martha that she must absolutely rest, and that it takes literally zero effort to create a miracle. Then it struck me...like chills of a lemon meringue tart. What I read 8 years ago about miracles...was actually true. I went into everything with battle screams and came out with deflated, dejected and even demented. Could it be that my sense of control was the root of evil?
Maybe I wouldn't die if I just relaxed. Maybe I wouldn't die, if I just showed you who I am. Maybe I wouldn't die just being okay with where I am at. Maybe I wouldn't die if you leave. Maybe I wouldn't die, if I can't live up to your expectations.
Maybe just maybe...being here is perfect. Maybe just resting in the madness was all I need. Maybe it is okay for you and me to rest and not fight so much...for every goddamn thing that we think we need.
I m vulnerable as hell right now because I m approaching all of life and you by giving up my ideas of what I think it should be. And I m facing old wounds in the area of my career and relationships. Then...I gave it all up and just rested. Miraculously...some magic is happening. Things are repairing on their own, and somehow I can see better and move along in turtle steps.
There are no fixed steps to get through vulnerability. But if I were to put what I know into steps now it would be.
1. Step one, it feels like its raining shit, and that's okay.
2. I rest and let go of what I think how things should be. I rest for everything that is in me and around me. I rest for whatever that is happening right now.
3. I trust I would know the next step, when it feels good to a turtle step forward.
4. Repeat step 1-3 and give myself tonnes of treats.
5. Love every moment no matter what.
The truth is only you and me can get ourselves out of a ditch. Battle Cries...only and always just tire us out. But gentle joyful turtle steps can sustain you throughout a journey of a thousand miles. It has mysterious stamina that can help you move a mountain. It is just inevitable that you will become smarter and stronger when your happy and rested. Before you know it your inner genius will inspire you to do something creative to take you forward to first solace...then back to joy.
I feel better now. Thanks for letting me express my thinking, bless your heart for reading me :)
Much love,
Jin
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Breath Play
Hi, I love to breathe. I know....DUHHH!!! I am also dyslexic and have ADD. The only reason you are able to read this blog post is because of Microsoft Word and its lovely grammar check function. OMG A PRETTY BUTTERFLY!...OH! sorry...focus...focus. My friends think I am a golden retriever on crack. However I assure you I do have something important to say about why I love to breathe.
Nearly every mystical tradition speaks about the breath, and they all know it has power. Some of them even suggests that "The way you breathe, is the way you live"
So let's back track about 8 years ago, I started to behave like a borderline psycho. I assure you here as well that I am not over exaggerating. I felt like I was living deranged golden retriever who was denied rest and peace. It felt like a constant war zone to live in. I was violent. I also had wild unmanageable bouts of appetites for the strangest things. I woke up every morning at 4 and would cry and fall back asleep.
It was awful...I was hamster on a wheel forever running albeit falling would mean being fed to cats. The desire to gut myself was strong. I felt ready to end my life.
But of course, fate and its twisted ways arranged a chanced meeting to meet my spiritual teacher. The lady talked about this crazy thing called "Breathworks". She mentioned if you lie down and breathe, you heal, simply because breathing works.
In my deranged furry vision, I thought WOOF! WOOF! GIMME SPAM & NUGGETS! Oh yes...write the post...write the post... The next thing that happened about 15 minutes of breathing, I started to cry and laugh and cry and laugh, with 30 second intervals. I thought it was wonderful, and expected people with white outfits to crash in the door and cart me away with a straitjacket.
Then something happened...magic happened, I left cradled and loved. I felt my head was empty and peaceful. I felt like I was in a sacred space. I am sure you can figure out what I m going to say next. I did not want to die anymore.
I got back to life again the next day, groggy reborn...happy and peaceful even. Then after a week, I hated the world again and covered myself in a dark cape, and hissed at everything that walked by.
I started to work. work the breath. work breath work damn it! work. work. work. gimme money damn it! work. work. work. work. work. fight for what i wanted. fight. fight. fight. grasp. grasp. grasp. grasp. grasp. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. burn out. ate again.
It was an endless SNAFU.
Now before you think I became a forest monk, and got enlightened under a banana tree. No...sadly that didn't happen. But what happened was I realized the missing ingredient was rest and play.
I heard speech by one of my favorite inspirations, Martha Beck said "You have to work like a dog. A dog play like they mean it".
I reflected on the way I tried to breathe myself into a happy space and do my life. There was always struggle. There was always desire. There was also this sense of empty that could not be filled. There was always "I want".
There was no play just for fun. There was no rest for that crazy monkey mind. So I thought let's make over life, let's play. If you like me before, feel like a hamster. I propose to you let's just rest and play just for 5 minutes for 4 days. Let's try in small ways to bring back some fun starting with right under our nose.
Here's an quirky game:
Get Happy in 5 Minutes
1. Sit comfy in your favorite place.
2. Take a breath and just sigh...playfully. Sigh like an ape that likes milkshake. Sigh like a whale who eats lemon meringue. Sigh like the color orange. Breathe like dog. Breathe like the seer in kung fu panda.
3. Explore and play with you breath until you feel happy and blissful.
4. Rest and let it settle like cake mix, only start functioning when you feel ready to be baked.
Once you get it from exploring, the ability to become happy stays with you forever if you choose to play again. It's a game, the score is how good you feel.
Hint: It's all in the rest and play. You got nothing to loose...just try it. You can always go back to being miserable if you don't like.
Take Care now, till the next post!
Hearts,
Jin
Nearly every mystical tradition speaks about the breath, and they all know it has power. Some of them even suggests that "The way you breathe, is the way you live"
So let's back track about 8 years ago, I started to behave like a borderline psycho. I assure you here as well that I am not over exaggerating. I felt like I was living deranged golden retriever who was denied rest and peace. It felt like a constant war zone to live in. I was violent. I also had wild unmanageable bouts of appetites for the strangest things. I woke up every morning at 4 and would cry and fall back asleep.
It was awful...I was hamster on a wheel forever running albeit falling would mean being fed to cats. The desire to gut myself was strong. I felt ready to end my life.
But of course, fate and its twisted ways arranged a chanced meeting to meet my spiritual teacher. The lady talked about this crazy thing called "Breathworks". She mentioned if you lie down and breathe, you heal, simply because breathing works.
In my deranged furry vision, I thought WOOF! WOOF! GIMME SPAM & NUGGETS! Oh yes...write the post...write the post... The next thing that happened about 15 minutes of breathing, I started to cry and laugh and cry and laugh, with 30 second intervals. I thought it was wonderful, and expected people with white outfits to crash in the door and cart me away with a straitjacket.
Then something happened...magic happened, I left cradled and loved. I felt my head was empty and peaceful. I felt like I was in a sacred space. I am sure you can figure out what I m going to say next. I did not want to die anymore.
I got back to life again the next day, groggy reborn...happy and peaceful even. Then after a week, I hated the world again and covered myself in a dark cape, and hissed at everything that walked by.
I started to work. work the breath. work breath work damn it! work. work. work. gimme money damn it! work. work. work. work. work. fight for what i wanted. fight. fight. fight. grasp. grasp. grasp. grasp. grasp. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. ate. burn out. ate again.
It was an endless SNAFU.
Now before you think I became a forest monk, and got enlightened under a banana tree. No...sadly that didn't happen. But what happened was I realized the missing ingredient was rest and play.
I heard speech by one of my favorite inspirations, Martha Beck said "You have to work like a dog. A dog play like they mean it".
I reflected on the way I tried to breathe myself into a happy space and do my life. There was always struggle. There was always desire. There was also this sense of empty that could not be filled. There was always "I want".
There was no play just for fun. There was no rest for that crazy monkey mind. So I thought let's make over life, let's play. If you like me before, feel like a hamster. I propose to you let's just rest and play just for 5 minutes for 4 days. Let's try in small ways to bring back some fun starting with right under our nose.
Here's an quirky game:
Get Happy in 5 Minutes
1. Sit comfy in your favorite place.
2. Take a breath and just sigh...playfully. Sigh like an ape that likes milkshake. Sigh like a whale who eats lemon meringue. Sigh like the color orange. Breathe like dog. Breathe like the seer in kung fu panda.
3. Explore and play with you breath until you feel happy and blissful.
4. Rest and let it settle like cake mix, only start functioning when you feel ready to be baked.
Once you get it from exploring, the ability to become happy stays with you forever if you choose to play again. It's a game, the score is how good you feel.
Hint: It's all in the rest and play. You got nothing to loose...just try it. You can always go back to being miserable if you don't like.
Take Care now, till the next post!
Hearts,
Jin
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Revival
So I just tweaked my baby once again. I decided that it is time to try again at this blog thing. I need get this crazy blog naggin thing away from me.
But. There's always that tug for a creative life.
So here's to a newer than new beginning. This time, it's gonna be more fun. There will be wonderful life coaching articles, articles on life, designs and a panorama of inspiration for you and me.
Here's to the revival of Quirky Healing.
Can I get a *quirk? *quirk?
Love,
Jin
But. There's always that tug for a creative life.
So here's to a newer than new beginning. This time, it's gonna be more fun. There will be wonderful life coaching articles, articles on life, designs and a panorama of inspiration for you and me.
Here's to the revival of Quirky Healing.
Can I get a *quirk? *quirk?
Love,
Jin
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