I m definitely at a strangest juncture in my life. So strange that I feel like a marsh mellow chewed by a million dogs. Huskies to be exact. Chewed...*shudder* Alright, the point for this post is of cause to not only coach myself out of some vulnerable feelings, but maybe you too might have some vulnerability going on and you might need some solace. Hope this post offers some peace to you.
Having been on the road to recovery from about 8 to 9 years now, I am not stranger to neurosis and psychosis. I grasped like a true hungry ghost. I was the hormonal bulldog that humped anything and everything just to get some satisfaction. No...honey...I mean it in metaphoric terms. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Say if I love nuggets...which I do (OH YES...YES...YES MY PRECIOUS...OHOHOHO...oh sorry...back to the post) As i was typing... other than whispering and drooling over it. I would miraculously have the tenacity to crash through any obstacle that was in my way to MacDonalds. Yet somehow, I will deflate like a fart balloon when it comes to obstacles that I had in my life. It was an endless hamster wheel all to stuff my pain with greasy juiciness.
But of course it ended up on my ass...and the pain did not go away...you get the idea. Picture that I was doing it to all areas of my life. Picture how needy and desperate I was just to get you to love me and hold me for a while, just for some solace. Imagine me begging for job, because I desperately needed help. Not attractive...
Part my recovery was to study miracles from A Course in Miracles. Here is a cute line that describes miracles "Miracles are natural. When they do not occur something has gone wrong." and another line that says "Miracles are habits, and should be involuntary. They should not be under conscious control. Consciously selected miracles can be misguided" Lovely lines...I m dumped that the idea that it could be true right after reading it.
I am sure I don't have to define miracles for you. You know it in your bones what it really is. I knew it too and desperately wanted it. But I could not understand the two lines. Me...not putting effort into finding nuggets? How on earth would it appear? How on earth am I gonna heal my damn pain.
If you didn't know the weakest parts of my life that always gets to me. It is actually my career and relationships. I sustain battle wounds that would make Hercules pee in his pants. Okay...it wasn't that bad...but it hurt like hell okay! I approached these like how I approached nuggets...building my little kingdom with every scrap that I can find and hissing at any person who would take my goodies away from me. I fought for many things. I entered everything with my infamous Xena Battle Cry. However I somehow ended up feeling very alone, and the scrap castle that build looked like crap anyway.
In my madness and fatigue, I just let everything go. I dropped my scrap castle and just laid on my floor. And I unconsciously fumbled for to play a podcast that I bought from the net. It was by my idol the lovely Martha Beck. It's called the The Technology of Magic, I highly recommend it! MMHMMM!!
In it, an anthropologist told Martha that she must absolutely rest, and that it takes literally zero effort to create a miracle. Then it struck me...like chills of a lemon meringue tart. What I read 8 years ago about miracles...was actually true. I went into everything with battle screams and came out with deflated, dejected and even demented. Could it be that my sense of control was the root of evil?
Maybe I wouldn't die if I just relaxed. Maybe I wouldn't die, if I just showed you who I am. Maybe I wouldn't die just being okay with where I am at. Maybe I wouldn't die if you leave. Maybe I wouldn't die, if I can't live up to your expectations.
Maybe just maybe...being here is perfect. Maybe just resting in the madness was all I need. Maybe it is okay for you and me to rest and not fight so much...for every goddamn thing that we think we need.
I m vulnerable as hell right now because I m approaching all of life and you by giving up my ideas of what I think it should be. And I m facing old wounds in the area of my career and relationships. Then...I gave it all up and just rested. Miraculously...some magic is happening. Things are repairing on their own, and somehow I can see better and move along in turtle steps.
There are no fixed steps to get through vulnerability. But if I were to put what I know into steps now it would be.
1. Step one, it feels like its raining shit, and that's okay.
2. I rest and let go of what I think how things should be. I rest for everything that is in me and around me. I rest for whatever that is happening right now.
3. I trust I would know the next step, when it feels good to a turtle step forward.
4. Repeat step 1-3 and give myself tonnes of treats.
5. Love every moment no matter what.
The truth is only you and me can get ourselves out of a ditch. Battle Cries...only and always just tire us out. But gentle joyful turtle steps can sustain you throughout a journey of a thousand miles. It has mysterious stamina that can help you move a mountain. It is just inevitable that you will become smarter and stronger when your happy and rested. Before you know it your inner genius will inspire you to do something creative to take you forward to first solace...then back to joy.
I feel better now. Thanks for letting me express my thinking, bless your heart for reading me :)
Much love,
Jin
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